The scoop- short version

I really don't even know where to start, it has been going on for so long. Being the child of an alcoholic is never easy. And frustrating as hell! On the one hand, you want to run far, far away; on the other hand, you want to help the person or force them to help themselves. Throw a rebellious, attention seeking teenager and a parent at her wits end and you have the makings of some very good Jerry Springer.
It kinda happened like this (real names have been changed), I say kinda because obviously the story is much, much more involved than just this, but it gives the idea of what so many generation gaps sometimes deal with:

When I was growing up, I was typically in trouble for everything under the sun. At first I would get spankings as discipline, then the belt, then grounded…a progression. When I was 12, my mom scared me so bad I peed myself…years later when I brought it up, her response was, “good, you probably needed it”. Nice gal, huh? The worst part about that time was that I hadn’t done what she was accusing me of. She tells me how much she loves me. This was the norm at my house.
Fast-forward to me having a baby at 18…something I had no business doing, I was clueless and naïve. We will call the child Sam. Sam would have been much better of with someone older and wiser than I was. My naivety gave her the wrong foot to start on in life…I wish I could do it all again, I would have been wiser and thereby a better parent; but I did the best with what I had for my baby.
Sam was always difficult, didn’t sleep through the night until the age of 12, was hard headed and uncooperative since the toddler years, and pretty much marched to the beat of their own drummer. Sam hated authority and rebelled against it for as long as I can remember. No matter how understanding one would try to be, Sam would always feel like the world was after them and would never tell the truth. It has been an long, arduous road. When Sam was 5, I met my soul mate. One of the most fabulous folks I’d ever met, funny as hell, ambitious and thoughtful of others. He swore he would never date a gal with kids, after living through all this, maybe he should have stuck to this personal plan…but I am glad he decided we were worth his time, regardless of what has taken place. His kindness and help around the house and with Sam allowed me the opportunity to go back to school to get a teaching degree and stop working so many jobs to make ends meet. For the first time I was able to have some real quality time with Sam. At first they got along. After buying a house and starting to plan our wedding, we found out we were expecting an unplanned baby. We were excited, Sam was too…but not for long. The lying happened more and more, Sam started getting to school late and hanging out with “the wrong crowd” by this time Sam was seven. It was frustrating to watch, but started to become regular habits. Sam was seeking attention and didn’t care how. We caught Sam French kissing and it scared us, we fought with neighbors about their child over it. We started to become very strict, trying to keep her on the right path to strong character and making good choices. Once I graduated from college with a lot of new insight and growth as a person, I set about trying to improve Sam’s life and undo any damage I may have caused through my ignorance. Sam rebelled every step of the way, Sam liked being in charge, making own choices and trying to call the shots…and hated chores. Getting help around the house was only accomplished after long screaming matches and much unhappiness. I guess it would have been easier to do it myself. The more Sam rebelled, the more strict we would become, trying to help her find her place in the world. We tried every behavior/discipline strategy we could think of, we called parenting help hotlines who told us we were doing everything right and had no more suggestions for us, we went to counselors, psychotherapists and psychiatrists. Sam just got worse and worse. By middle school, Sam would call the Child Protective People if we grounded or took away privileges. Sam was learning to work the system, more importantly, Sam was manipulating situations to try to put them in Sam’s favor. And no one could help us. After the 2nd or 3rd time of the these people showing up to see if we were harming or neglecting Sam and closing cases that are waste of taxpayer dollars, we had finally had enough. I took Sam out of school, I was going to home school her. I was going to quit my job. I was at my wits end, my husband was a nervous wreck because by this time Sam had begun attacking him verbally almost daily. I thought he must be exaggerating. He began recording and taping the encounters, he was at rock bottom and needed someone to hear him, not just listen, but really hear what he was trying to say. Sam started realizing the response from accusing him of being abusive, and relished in the strife and turmoil it caused. I’m not quite sure how it got to be this bad over so many years, especially when we kept trying to get help and get things right.
Finally, one day when Sam was 15 and there had been a kajillion fights about myspace, computer and phone use, making arrangements for rides home the day before, and being where you’re supposed to be; Sam and my husband argued, Sam went outside, Sam refused to come in. Sam was scratching own wrists, later saying my husband did it…he has it on film. Sam was mad that he yelled at in front of a friend, but refused take responsibility for the hateful, disrespectful, disgusting behaviors towards dad. I was 50 miles away at work. I got home, packed a bag when Sam still refused to come in, and took Sam to grandma’s for weekend. What was I gonna do? Argue with Sam for another 3 hours while the neighbors watched? I didn’t want Sam to run away. I wanted to give Sam a safe place to be angry at dad. That was a year ago, Sam refuses to come home. In the last year Sam has spent 8 months with grandma and went to visit an Uncle for a few months. I quit my job, expecting Sam to come home since dad was to blame for everything under the sun. Grandma lets her hang on the computer 24/7, Sam posts experiences with Pot, Coke and Alcohol; Sam also posts pictures of the vandalism performed around different communities, grandma wants money to support her drinking habit…I guess for Sam’s dimebag and her fifth. Oh my GOD, what have I done. I just want Sam to come home where Sam belongs. Sam is loved and missed. Currently I am not speaking to Sam for refusals to take any responsibility for actions (Sam’s words), because my mother lets SAM do all the things we don’t want Sam doing. To top it all off, my mother is suing me for 16 ½ years of child support, though Sam has only been with her 8 months of the last year. And she can’t figure out why I am not talking to her. As soon as I figure out how, I will post examples of the phone calls she leaves my husband and me(can you say Jekyll and Hyde?) She is accusing my husband of being abusive, but has never taken the invitation to come over and see all the videos, hear the audios, read the transcripts from the MySpace, etc., etc. And she wonders why I won’t talk to her.
After my mom calls my husband and accuses him of all this shit, then she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and misses me and wants me in her life. Can you feel the love? And she wonders why I don’t want to talk to her. I am so fed up with her shit! I am so fed up with her enabling SAM to make bad choices! I am so fed up with not having her support! I am so fed up with her feeling like I don’t think for myself, just because she doesn’t like my way of thinking! I am fed up that when I give her money, I see her later that day at the bar! I am fed up learning that most of my child hood were lies, upon lies that I am just finding out now! I am fed up with myself for being naïve enough to think that my mom would help me through this situation, much less that she ever had my best interests at heart. I won’t be naïve anymore, I won’t give into my mother, I won’t enable SAM in the risky behavior and I won’t apologize for Loving Sam so much that I just want to keep SAM safe.

Look for my next blogs as a timeline of events to more thoroughly explain my situation and hopefully offer insight to others regarding the very real problem of parental abuse.

Whenever I am able, I will post notes, audio, video, and other primary sources.
There is not enough information available on the web regarding parental abuse. I hope that this blog gives parents a forum to talk about the struggles they have with their teens and possibly their meddling parents or in-laws. I hope that this forum would show the mental health industry that there is a need for me research and resources for parents on this topic.